I have noticed many in Covenspace mentioning that they are doubting their beliefs or changing their paths due to a loss or plateau in the path they currently follow. I keep a copy of this essay around for moments such as these - perhaps it will make sense to them.

Faith and Skepticism
by Estara Korai

*Psychological disclaimer: if your Apophis stage (explained below) features serious symptoms such as substance abuse, hallucinations, or suicidal thoughts, please seek professional assistance.*

It happens to everyone every so often, myself included. You'll be going along, keeping your Sabbats and doing your everyday spiritual and magical workings, and everything seems to be fine, when everything just seems to go dull. Your intuitions are off, or your spells go haywire, or the thought creeps into your head, "So, I'm sitting here at work, talking to a dragon in my head? What, am I out of my *mind?*"

It may help you to know that several occult authors consider this to be progress.

Let me digress for a moment into the balance of faith and skepticism that is important for the effectiveness and sanity of any worker of magic. On one hand, faith must play a role in the spiritual and magical realms, since they are usually imperceptible and essentially unprovable by physical science or the physical senses. Too much doubt only eats away at your ability to trust your abilities and perceptions, and eventually at those abilities and perceptions themselves. On the other hand, if you are going to deal with the Otherworld on a regular basis, you must learn to measure how "true" your perceptions are, and how reliable are your otherworldly companions--otherwise you will stop growing or be sold a bridge by a spirit looking for laughs at your expense.

And so, in normal workings, it pays to keep a certain mindset. Assume, for your own sanity, that your experiences are essentially genuine. (In fact it often doesn't matter ultimately whether a particular journey is into another realm or into your own head, as long as you use the information to improve yourself. The growth will be genuine either way.) However, do compare notes with others who take the same journey if you work in a group. You will probably find that over time, with practice, you will more and more be sharing the same experience, and this is an extremely gratifying thing to discover. It also allows for things like a group journey to find a single totem or guide who is willing to help an entire coven. You will be able to compare the quirks of how you perceive the other worlds and energy, and learn where you may be strong or weak in your skills. Another good idea is to research any teachings you receive from astral guides, or any past life memories. You may find confirmation of what you have been taught or have remembered, which is again very gratifying. You may also find clarification of what was meant that will encourage even more development for you. Or you may find no such confirmation, and know that you need more clarification--and possibly some revisions--before you can trust and use the information.

But we were talking about the other kind of doubt--the one that comes and sits on your head when you're about to do something important and whispers unpleasant nothings in your ear. If you were raised Christian, it may whisper about delusion and devil worship. If you were raised agnostic or atheist, it may deride your work as superstitious nonsense. If you have trouble with your self-esteem, it will poke fun at the "specialness" of being able to do magic. It will find your weakness and poke at it with a pointed stick.

It's you. And as I mentioned, it is by several accounts a sign that you are getting somewhere.

Aleister Crowley defines this as an "Apophis stage." He defines the study of magic as a continuing three-part cycle, and names the stages Isis, Apophis, and Osiris, after Egyptian gods. (By the way, the initials are IAO, a divine name from Hermeticism that has several other applications in ceremonial magic.) In the Isis stage, we have just begun a certain phase of development. Everything comes easily, and we feel quite good about ourselves and our studies. But then, Apophis comes. Our abilities seem to dry up, or at least become very difficult to use, and we are plagued by dark thoughts of failure. We can give up here: many people do. We can leave the occult entirely, or move into another Isis stage in another discipline. But to deepen, we have to keep working through Apophis to get to Osiris. In the Osiris stage, our abilities return, different than before, in the light of our new understanding. We have gained wisdom and depth that will enrich all of our future cycles.

For Wiccans, it will not take much imagination to compare this cycle to that of Life, Death, and Rebirth that we celebrate, or to the initiation in which we are tried, and symbolically die and are reborn. For followers of the Northern paths, a comparison might be made to Odin's willingness, time and again, to sacrifice of himself to gain more magic and wisdom.

Of course, not every passing "This is silly" thought develops into a dark night of the soul, but even the smaller ones can serve as signposts. Marian Green, in her book _A Witch Alone,_ discusses the momentary doubts that plague each of us at some point.

"If you commit yourself to the Hidden Paths or walking the Old Ways you will certainly be in for some surprises. The most common of these are the feelings, which never entirely go away, of "Why on Earth am I doing this? Why am I wearing this strange robe, talking to trees or invisible beings, thinking that "spells" can possibly work in the twentieth century?" You will often find, right in the middle of a meditation or ritual, such thoughts creeping into your head, making you feel a fool. This is a sure sign that your magic is working, for you have so certainly stepped out of your normal role in life or set aside, just for the moment, the very ordinary self to adopt that magical inner personality, that it is trying to reassert what it considers normality. It never entirely goes away, as any adepts you come across will tell you, and even after decades of participating in celebrations, speaking directly with the Old Ones, venturing into the wilderness, both without and within, this sense of amusement, of fun and wonder, never really dies. It is a recollection that you are indeed straying from the ordinary world and it should never trouble you, just provide a moment's humour when the power is coming through."

Keep on with Guarding, with faith, a sense of humor, and a single grain of salt, and blessed may you be.

..Many find that it is easier to walk the path that has been predestined for their soul the path that beckons their feet with softened grasses and sweet smelling flowers. This path is lit by the mesmerizing hum of electrical bliss, surrounded by the sweet taste of honey and the warm grip of a protective embrace, ears filled with gentle music that is repeated over relentlessly as each step is made. Their eyes never leave the pleasant glow that drives them further, locking their gaze and denying them the beauty of the world that surrounds them. It is at that final moment when they reach the end of their journey, when all the illusions of their life are lifted and the choices have already been made that they are torn from the fallacies that have surrounded them. The light now burns their eyes and the truth of their situation is revealed as the veil is lifted.

Then realization occurs, the light is lifted and they are for the first time able to see the transgressions of being a faithful servant of the flock a mindless sheep led forth by a cruel and twisted shepherd. Their feet are wet with the blood of those they have trampled and ruined along this path of crumbled and broken ash as well as the blood that still pours from their backs as the whips of society have driven them forward. Crumpling to the ground, they paw at the ash and fill their mouths seeking to rid themselves of the vile taste of vinegar that defiles their senses which were once covered in honey. The screams of the past are no longer a choir of heavenly voices, but instead the last ragged breath echoing from the rest of the herd. In this final moment all is made clear and the mind is drawn back to the beginning, as their eyes are torn from the flesh they have returned to the Darkness

But then there are those who while gazing through the darkness of the Night, find that some shadows are deeper than others. It is here that the true path is chosen, the one path that will lead you to the journey of Wisdom. For gazing through this veil, you will find a path that is choked in weeds, where hidden dangers lurk at every turn, and no light guides you. It is at this time that you must light your torch or plunge blindly into the Darkness, being comforted in the knowledge that you are walking the path less traveled. The one path that is always rightfully your own, one that changes and grows as your being experiences the realms in which we dwell and truly lives the life that is set before it. This is the path that I walk. This is the path that I have forged and that none can replicate, for none will ever make the choices that I have made or live this life or the next as I have done

 I have borne the name of Soul though out this journey and many others, for I am the mirror of those who choose to gaze upon my visage. When you look forth, be prepared to see that which bears the Truth, for that is what you shall find. I value Honor above all else, for my Honor is my life never doubt that. I shall deal in like manner to all who show me honesty and truth, for that alone shall set you apart from the rest. There are many here whose paths have crossed my own in the past and are still entwined around my own, to each of you I bid you the Darkest of Greetings. To those whose paths are about to traverse my own, stand forth and bear not false witness against your soul for that shall be the Truth that meets you

Until next we meet, Be well

"I will no longer be ashamed. My path is my own; I'll share it with others but I force it on no one. If this is a threat to you, it can only be because you want power over me that I will no longer give. I will fight for myself and for those like me, and I will do it with a vehemence you cannot imagine."

Another of my favorite quotes...

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